If a person had serious issues with certain everyday occurrances most people take for granted and needed help, would he or she really want to turn to the blogosphere for aid? I've seen forms of rhetorical evisceration USMC drill sergeants would wince at and I would not want to raise such ire by displaying any delicious weaknesses. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to start a dialogue on courtship.
I'm intimidated even in writing about it. I wouldn't even know where to begin other than to say all aspects of this subject resonate fear through my all. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of; I do know I have not known for so long I have overrationalized my fear. Mostly I just beat myself up.
The last paragraph took me an hour to write.
I've erased about five sentences here. I'm just afraid to tell you anything. I wouldn't know where to begin. Does anyone out there have raging phobias about things like this?
posted by TheAdequateDer @ 8:34 PM
7 Comments:
Aside from all the unVulcan-like frailties (you know, those f-f-feeel- things) and mortalish experiences, what you're describing here sounds pretty much like the human condition. The Antiprince is right in that the blogosphere is packed with excruciating minutiae of people's lives. But what that also points out is that we're not pioneers here. Love's been around since forever but we still don't understand much of anything about it. We still fall into the same traps, have the same fears, act all stupid. We're all afraid of it in some form and to some degree: not being loved, losing love, not finding love, dealing with all the shiz love entails. Even talking about it candidly can be heavy. Whether or not you want to spew your personal stuff all over the net sans culottes... dunno. But don't apologize for being human.
words o' wisdom.
hey, how was your trip? glad you're back!
AP~ On occasion I spout some crap that looks so good on paper I actually believe it. This may be one of those times. Thanks for the welcome, but I refuse to believe that I'm in rainy, cold CT. In my head I'm still in Thailand. It was divinely, phenomenally, magically deliciously, mind-blowingly fabbalis. No, really. And what an education I got about the sex industry and ladyboys! Still processing it all.
Hi, kristin! I get into and out of these funks, so sometimes I may be slow to respond; my apologies for that.
Now that I feel a little less forlorn about the whole thing I can probably respond and elucidate. Much of my fear is based on what I learned about gender roles growing up. Men were old crotchety grandfathers or children of women- those women definitely being in charge. Any relatives I knew growing up were unmarried for the entire time I knew them and CERTAINLY never remotely sexual in any way. Everyone else's life seemed(and seems) different; sexuality and gender roles were defined in their lives and they experimented, learned, experimented, simmered over low heat all the while slowly adding cream of tartar and stirring slowly, etc.
Also, based on the outcome of marriages in my family, I fear success in courtship. It's an "all of this will end in tears" thing. Since the fallout of my parents' marriage(I only have one parent, thank you...)was so devastating for my mother and me, I tend to assume this kind of fallout and devastation was inevitable for one or both of the parties involved. I never wanted any more of what I already had and I never wanted to do that to anyone else.
AP thinks I need to realize that I'm not toxic but it pretty much looks that way to me.
AP thinks I need to realize that I'm not toxic
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and I'll write it on a slip of paper and tie the slip of paper to a brick and bash you over the head with it if I have to until you agree with me.
I'm loving the brick thing, but I agree with you - you're toxic. As long as you've decided that this is what you are and how you will be, that it's the only possible outcome or avenue, yeah, you're right. I'm inclined to believe that you can be otherwise. You've already broken out of the assigned roles in your family (lots of families) by not quietly accepting what you assume is your genetically programmed future. It's not like you're happily skipping toward what you saw of their lives. Think resistance! (and say it all French, it sounds better that way) Are you actually going to let other people's lessons and experiences define your own?
It is probably unwise to pontificate on such things while in the midst of a trough in the Emotional Biorhythm. So, depending on the day I wax upon the subject, I may have different atttiudes.
Apart from two couples I know of(The AP house, for one- Drummer Swami and his other are delightful as well)I see the worst-possible set of decisions made in pursuit of togetherness. Many of my memories of the whole thing involve my being passed over for some freakin' jerk. Like, the girl who wanted to be with the guy that later shot her dog in the face with a rifle. The girl that wanted a philandering chauvinist schmuck who, upon my first meeting him, said(while in front of her)"Hey, don't you love fucking girls in the ass? I do- it's so degrading!"
Still others stem from the intended's obsession with a close friend- another common plot.
Many proclamations of my interest are responded to by gems such as, "but you're like a brother to me!" or "you're going to make some lucky girl very happy someday!" These rebuttals seem insidious to me for they reek of spin doctoring.
Ultimately, I rebound from the depression swings. Though my fortunes never seem to appreciate I find I feel less melancholy about it. I rationalize in ways such as "if I really wanted to be with someone I'd do it." This doesn't explain the fear, though. A certain confidence(approaching cavalier, I think)about sexuality seems a requisite and this stuff just scares the bejeezus out of me sometimes. It follows me everywhere- certainly outside of the personal courtship issues.
For example, AP's blog. Personally, I have zero interest in porn. It makes me sad. I cannot, though, suggest anyone else should feel similarly. The tendency of complaintniks is to assume all people should think and feel(and desire)as they do. It seems endemic of a reflex to moralize or legislate other folks' personal ideals or thinking. That would be ludicrous.
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