That girl Bimbo has quite the filthy curveball.


1)Your team's suffered as have the Cubs. I don't think that guy with the ground rule double was truly a Cubs fan. So let's say there's a game that hangs on a ball that you can reach, causing a GRD so the Sox win. Do you do it or do you let the God that clearly hates the Sox so bad rule?

Absolutely I will do it. I will yawp "Jeffery Fucking Maier!" at the top of my lungs as I do so.

Besides, The Cubs, Royals, Celtics and Knicks are higher up on His shit list, methinks.

So, let us proclaim "Hallelujatosis" and thank David Ortiz for the live chicken sacrifice before Game 4 in the '04 ALCS.

2)Someone on Sesame Street must die. Who is it and how do you do it?

Guy Smiley always liked furries. They're why he took the job in the first place. Hell, maybe he liked them a little too much. It all started with his first assignment as attaché to Cookie Monster. The fuzzy blue wreck was impossible to corral, but Oh! what sexy fur! What sublime strabismus!

From that moment on he chased every Muppet in town. Eventually, he crossed paths with Oscar the Grouch and Count von Count.

Through a series of misadventures The Count purchased twenty kilos of high-grade heroin from Snuffleupagus only to have it yoinked by Oscar. As Oscar and The Count were former lovers(or blood bonded, perhaps...)the latter convinced Guy Smiley to reconnoiter Oscar's trash can using seduction as his means of entry. Of course, Guy and Oscar ended up on a five-day meth binge. The Count found them naked in a felt embrace behind Mr. Hooper's since-closed store, whisked Smiley away and did what vampires do best.

Rumor has it The Count's Diablerie failed and Guy Smiley is in Fraggle Rock, slumming around with Boober Fraggle and living under a Doozer tower.


3)You can step back in time to witness any moment of musical performance or composition: which?

Wow.

At first, I felt certain performances might have made my soul burst wide open; then I realized what a 'fuckin' A' cool thing that would be. I'm torn between four.

A) The first time Freddie Chopin played the Fantasie-Impromptu in C# minor, sometime in 1834. He did not care for the piece. My hero; what an idiot.

B) The debut of Stravinsky's Le Sacre du Printemps at the Théâtre des Champs-Élysées in Paris, May 29, 1913. As far as I am concerned, the most adrenaline-inducing symphonic piece ever penned. Opening night for this "ballet" saw outrage, fighting, and ultimately rioting in the streets. Le déjeuner tue la moitié de Paris, Stravinsky l'autre moitié. I am so fucking there.

C) Herbie Hancock, Actual Proof(Thrust, 1974). A first take World Series grand slam. Herbie, drummer Mike Clark(what he does on this track is the stuff of legend)and bassist Paul Jackson, after an hour of "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo's", went into the studio with the intention of sticking it to the producer that insisted they use some middle-school Mickey Mouse groove. And stick it to him they did.

D)Jimi Hendrix, Band of Gypsys. New Year's Eve, 1969, at the Fillmore East. Hendrix's most exploratory playing and the soundtrack for many of my lost collegiate hallucinations. It's the kind of show I would have told the birds in my backyard about.


In the end, I go with B.


4) If you were a girl, what would your name be?

You asked for it.

My Y-chromosome donor thought only names beginning with a "J" were cool(and him with an "S"...). So, Jacqueline 1,000,000 32 Flavors 4th of July Adam and Eve Akimbo Amazing Grace Animal Angel Food Angry Anymore Anticipate Anyday As Is Asking Too Much Back Around Bliss Like This Blood in the Bathroom Bodily Born a Lion Both Hands Brief Bus Stop Bubble Buildings and Buildings Circle of Light Cloud Blood Come Away with It Coming Up Cradle and All Crime for Crime Deep Dish Dog Coffee Done Wrong Egos Like Hairdos Everest Every Angle Every State Line Face Up and Sing Falling is Like This Fire Door Fixing Her Hair Freakshow Fuel Glass House God's Country Going Down Going Once Good, Bad, Ugly Grand Canyon Gratitude Gravel Hat-Shaped-Hat Hell Yeah Hello Birmingham Here for Now Hour Follows Hour How Have You Been? I Know This Bar Icarus If He Tries Anything If It Isn't Her I'm No Heroine Imperfectly In or Out In the Way Independence Day Itch Joyful Girl Jukebox Know Now Then Letter to a John Letting the Telephone Ring Light of Some Kind Looking for the Holes Loom Lost Woman Song Make Me Stay Make Them Apologize My IQ Names and Dates and Times Napoleon Not a Pretty Girl Not So Soft Oh My My On Every Corner Origami Out of Habit Outta me, Onto You Overlap Pale Purple Phase Pick Yer Nose Pixie Platforms Promised Land Providence Pulse Raincheck Rockabye Roll With It Rush Hour Second Intermission Serpentine Served Faithfully Shameless She Says Shrug Slide Sly Small World Soft Shoulder Sorry I Am Superhero Swandive Swim Talk to Me Now The Diner The Next Big Thing The Slant The Story The Waiting Song The Whole Night This Bouquet Tiptoe 'tis of Thee To The Teeth Trickle Down True Story of What Was Two Little Girls Untouchable Face Used to You Virtue What if No One's Watching? Willing to Fight Wish I May Wishin' and Hopin' Work Your Way Out Worthy You Each Time You Had Time Anander.

I had my name changed at 18 to accommodate the title of every Ani DiFranco song. Not only did I piss off the town clerk but she had the nerve to criticize little items, such as my not alphabetizing the "The" song titles correctly and my inconsistent capitalization. That bitch.

5) How does the rest of my song in Question 4) go?

My Achilles' Heel, lyric writing is. I hope to change this soon. As for the question itself I feel the song would beg a tragicomic oeuvre. The next problem would be putting the whole thing together- I intend to do this as a "real" project, as in making it a good song.

You have sprung a project on me. I promise; when it is done you will be the first to hear it.






Thank you, Sirach. I will treasure it always.


P.P.P.S...

A great white shark can reproduce when a male's length is around 3.8 metres (12 ft) and a female's length is around 4 to 4.8 metres (13.3 to 15.8 ft). Their lifespan has not been definitively established, though many sources estimate 30 to 40 years. It would not be unreasonable to expect such a large marine animal to live longer however.(From Wikipedia)

I'm ready to accept my penance.